he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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