Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
