i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
