elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
