Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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