Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I hope mine doesn't look like that
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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