remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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