you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize