Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
