I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
