I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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