i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
