the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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