Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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