i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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