i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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