I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
