Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize