im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize