I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
