I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
