found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I stole a fireplace last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
