Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
