I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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