i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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