By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
