So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
