I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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