I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
