Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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