guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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