hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
