When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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