So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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