I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
