um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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