I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we're making bets on your personal life
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
