Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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