my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
