I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
