I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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