my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
