I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize