Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Drunk is not a location!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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