Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize