I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
