Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
