Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(646): View more from New York

My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay

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(856): View more from New Jersey

take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

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(956): View more from Texas

Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it

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