she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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