Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
