we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
