I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
