I just cut my nipple shaving
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
