I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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