Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
