I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
