I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
