Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
