you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
