Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
