I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
