i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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