that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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